a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
