No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
