No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
