Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
