Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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