Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
