There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I had to cum in my sink.
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