please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize