please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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