It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
