I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I understand Curling. That high.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
