3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
