Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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