I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
