brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
