I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Randomize
