he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
