is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
