I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
