I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
