I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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