I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
