This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
