I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
