My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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