I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
