dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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