So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
