Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
