I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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