Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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