I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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