I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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