I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
