end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
