he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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