You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
