Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
