I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He? As in you personified your dick?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
