you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
