Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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