i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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