you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize