our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
