and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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