I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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