the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The feeling are messing with the penis
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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