i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
