brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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