Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
