I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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