did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize