We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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