I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
