Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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