Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
