Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
