every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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