My liver just broke up with me...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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